Scared to share

Tonight's post is brought to you by my own vulnerable self. I'm feeling grateful for days like today. I did a lot and felt happy. I am preparing for a journey cross state for a spiritual and artistic healing of sorts that I am feeling both nervous and excited for for many reasons. I wish it wasn't so daunting to travel as a young attractive women. Like it's my responsibility to protect myself when all I want to do is to be my free wild spirit, but as we know this is often taken advantage of. Annoying and maddening, but that's a rant for another time.

I want to share another piece of art that I finished today that was similar to the one I shared in a previous post. The whole point of the exercise of using my body as a stamp is a true unfiltered image of my lovely beautiful(a little thicker you might note) self. I've felt really self conscious about the weight I have gained since the last naked piece I did, but doing this act again I have been reminded of my amazingness(inside and out).

So here it is. Here is me. Now. And like I said I love me and for your own good I advise you to do the same. It would do no one any good to continue to slut shame me Boulder because I am loud and I am very proud.

Tonight I bring to you the most vulnerable post yet. A fact about myself that I have chosen to keep secret even from many of the people that I should've told, but felt too scared to for many reasons. The main ones being harsh judgement and rejection. And another one being the intense denial system that has been at play in many areas of my life, including this.

I had been drinking wine at a friends house while watching America's Next Top Model. Me and my friend liked to have girls nights like these but tonight was different. I was missing my ex... a lot. It was about a month after things between us had ended. I browsed tinder for a while and came upon a name and face I recognized. Not personally but I knew of him. And he was "hot". Hmm no... not that, he was a Boulder "big name", and that made him hot. We got to taking and it was obvious he wanted to fuck. And so did I? I was wine drunk(wine actually does make you horny and that's a fact look it up).

So the dude ordered me an uber. Too lazy or already fucked up who knows. So I got there and we were chillin. Cuz I'm cool and apparently he was too he offered me xanax. Being an a former xanax addict who hadn't had access to it in a long time I said yes obviously(also feeling the pressure of wanting to be the cool girl he wanted me to be) and I took it. Blurry from there. Also I will mention, the combination of alcohol and xanax is very dangerous for those who don't know. Basically I was an idiot but he was a bigger one. Both putting my life in danger.

I remember the sex being rough. And it made me feel gross. I slept there because I had no way home or wasn't brave enough to ask and when we woke up he wanted to do it again. Ew, but ok. Maybe if I let him do it again he'll want to see me again. That was my logic. What the actual fuck? I didn't even like him the morning after and I still let him do it again. Disgusting. But fucker never called me again. But this wasn't the last time his name would be stuck in my head.

About a month later I was hooking up with someone new(the arch nemesis of my ex) very great choice on my end. Let's just say this was a seriously dark time with some very questionable decisions especially sexually. I was lonely. And super sad. Me and my ex had broken up recently and he had another girlfriend and I was painfully single and it showed.

This arch nemesis of my ex actually sucks and it pains me to say I ever let this low life touch me. Maybe I did it to make the ex mad? Maybe I kept doing it because he was the only guy who had ever made me orgasm? Big dick, small personality. Regardless, he treated me like trash like whole time. ESPECIALLY the day it finally ended.

I went to his house because I had bad news. The kid that fed me xanax gave me herpes. I had just tested positive. In my head it was no where near to the end of the world. A huge percentage of the population had it and it wasn't my fault. Right? Wrong, at least according to the boy that blamed and shamed the fuck out of me for it. Once I told this kid he wouldn't even let my leg touch him. I cried and cried because I myself was pained by the news but the minute the word herpes left my mouth it was all about him. He even had the audacity to make the rudest phone call to the clinic right in front of me. He made me feel disgusting. He made me feel like no one would ever love me again because now I was THAT girl.

Fuck that. Sexually transmitted diseases are fucking natural and it's our fucked up society that says other wise. The stigma around herpes especially caused me to feel unsafe to tell any other partner or anyone until now. It is a part of who I am(for now at least, my Chinese medicine doctor is working on helping me clear it) and I am proud of all of me the "good" and the "bad"parts. Who is to say which is which, I'm still figuring that out for myself.

The denial in my life was so strong that I was even in denial that this was a thing. It couldn't be. I have only had two outbreaks to date, the first one, and most recently with the boy who was hitting me. He hit me with his hands and my reproductive system hit him with some karma(or at least that's how I see it). And to my knowledge he is the only other one I have shared it to. But if you've fucked me. You're welcome because I know you loved it but sorry I didn't tell you. My fucked up brain told me to do otherwise. You would most likely know if you had it by now and none of you said anything so I'm assuming you're probably all fine, or stupid. Probably both but figure it out.

Also side note, I had never said something until about a month ago to the boy that gave me the herpes and he blocked me. No response whatsoever he just fucking blocked me. Because he's a coward like most and knows exactly what he did and now he's fucked because I know too. And please, ladies especially, reach out so I can tell you who it was so the same thing doesn't happen to you.

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